


One Long Fall

by virtualpersonal



Series: Seasons Verse [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 17 year old sam, Angst, Desire, Desperation, M/M, Stanford Era, Temptation, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-08
Updated: 2015-05-08
Packaged: 2018-03-29 14:56:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3900466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/virtualpersonal/pseuds/virtualpersonal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The boys have sworn off each other and agreed what happened last summer at the lake would stay at the lake.  Now Sam's been away to college for several months, and Dean comes to visit.  Will they fall off the wagon?   Hot & angsty. Sequel to One Hot Summer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Co-written with Cha

He wasn't used to indecision. He hated it. It made him impatient, and crabby and all sorts of anxious. And that... that just didn't fit in with his world view of Dean Winchester. Pulling up in front of the co-ed dorms, and checking the building number, he parked. Fuck... now what?

 

Arm on the steering wheel, he leaned his forehead on it, thinking back. It had been hard, these couple of months after Sam left for college. That night, the fight between his brother and dad, and then Sam had left them. Had left him. Even now a sob wanted to work its way out of the back of Dean's throat. It had maybe been one of the worst nights of his life, right up there with the night he lost his mother. He'd been that close with Sam. That damned close.

Now three months had gone by, and Sam hadn't called him even once. Not once Goddamit. Not to tell him he was fine, not to let him hear his voice, not to ask how he was doing, nothing. Nothing but a single e-mail giving his address. Did that mean Sam didn't want him coming? Calling? How the fuck was he supposed to guess? He looked over at the building again. Sam was in there... room 203... he was in there.

Reaching for the handle, he opened the door and got out. Suddenly, he wished he were a smoker. It would give him an excuse for killing some time. As he walked up the stairs in front of the building and pushed the lobby door open, he wished they were back at that lake. Was it really only four months ago? They'd turned the worst place their father had dumped them at into the best one, discovering each others' bodies, and hearts. But in the end, before dad had come to get them, they'd talked frankly. Yes, they were different from others, their lives were upside down, they loved each other... loved each other too much, but what they were doing was wrong in the eyes of the world, and it might fuck them up emotionally. So they'd agreed... they'd do what they wanted, just at the lake, and when it was over... it was over.

Only when it had been over, it hadn't really been over. Dean had gone out with a long line of women, but each time he felt Sam's gaze on him afterwards, it was like he was walking on broken glass. Each time he joked with his brother, told him to make a move on a girl, a part of him wanted to die. And then there were times when they stared at each other, and there was no doubt in his mind that both of them were back there... at that lake... hanging on to each other, kissing, touching...

Maybe that was part of the reason Sam had left so abruptly. Maybe he'd been a little glad for the excuse? Maybe Dean should leave him alone, let him make a life for himself. Yeah, that was the plan. He just wanted... needed to see his brother, just to make sure he was okay.

Stopping in front of the room, he looked at his watch. It was a little after midnight. Maybe he should go find a motel room, and come back tomorrow. Sonova... Lifting his hand, he knocked... hard.

Sam was grinning like an idiot when he heard the loud knock at the door, nuzzling into the back of Jess' long blond hair, he inhaled deeply as she squeaked. "Sam! I have to get this chapter finished by tomorrow or I'm dead."

Sam stretched up to his full height, patting his belly. "Well, if that's Zack at the door - you're about to be disturbed anyway." He padded over to the door and flipped the lock, "what the hell Zack - this better be good or...." his voice faded away to nothing as the door swung open.

He'd felt a lot of pain in his life, from all kinds of weapons, but there was nothing that compared to the stabbing sensation Sam felt in his chest when he looked straight into the liquid green eyes of his older brother. He took a step back, tilting his head, lips parting to speak then closing again.

Chewing on his bottom lip he felt tears welling in his eyes, so long. "Dean..." it was almost a whisper. His heart took over, instinct kicked in and he stepped forward, grabbed Dean and wrapped his long arms around his older brother. He pulled Dean so close, so tight to his chest he was sure he'd cut off his air. The smell; leather, gun oil, Dean, took him straight back to the place his heart he had never left. "Holy shit, Dean," he whispered against the shell of his brother's ear.

For an instant, Dean wondered if the door was going to be slammed in his face. And then Sam was dragging him close, and there wasn't a fucking thing he could do about the fact that he had his own arms around his brother, and was thinking un-brotherly thoughts the instant he felt the press of his brother's body, remembered the feel of those lips hot against his own. Inhaling his scent, he swore Sam had to have been eating something sweet... no, he wasn't gonna think cherries, cause those thoughts took him nowhere good. "Sammy."

Sonuvabitch... he wanted to cry, but he forced a wide smile and pulled reluctantly away. Standing there, looking at Sam, he couldn't believe his brother was still growing. In just a matter of months, he'd already changed. Grown taller, filled out more. "I was in the neighborhood," he shrugged, searching his face again. "Is it a bad time?"

Sam blinked as Dean pulled away, "a what?" His brother, right there in front of him. "No...no it's not a bad time.... come in ..." he pushed the door open and turned back to the room.

"Jess, hon? You're not gonna believe this...Dean's here." He walked over to her as she spun on the computer chair to face the room.

She grinned up at Sam and let him pull her to her feet, "the Dean?"

Laughing, Sam put his hands on her shoulders and spun her to face Dean. "Yes, the Dean. Jess? This is my big brother, Dean." His eyes locked with Dean's over Jess' head. "Dean? This is ... my girl, Jess."

The smile on Jess' face widened and she crossed the floor quickly throwing her arms around Dean's neck for a quick hug and a kiss on his cheek. "I feel like I know you already, Dean."

Eyes wide with shock, Dean just stood there, hardly hugging her back. His gaze never wavered from his brother's. Sam had a girlfriend. He had a... Something squeezed his heart, breaking off another piece he couldn't afford to give up.

"It's great to meet you." She stepped back and walked over to the small fridge. "I'm willing to bet if you're a Winchester and you've been driving all day, you'd love a beer?"

"Ah... yeah, that would be great." He nodded at his brother, hoped his smile wasn't pained. Then he gave his brother the thumbs up, and slapped him on the back. "Jess huh. And she knows all about me. Great." Just fucking great.

Sam smiled at Dean, feeling his chest tighten a little, he shrugged.

Grabbing two beers from the fridge, Jess kicked the door shut and handed a beer to each brother. "Well, there's going to be too much testosterone in here for me." She grinned and leaning a hand against Sam's chest went up on her tip toes for a kiss. "I'll be in my room, hon." She brushed past Dean, "nice to finally meet you Dean." And she was gone.

It was suddenly far too quiet in the room for Sam's liking. "I didn't know you were gonna..." he licked his lips, "I would have told you I met a...." He dropped down onto the edge of his bed. "It's really good to see you, Dean. Real good." What he wanted, what his heart ached for was some kind of sign from Dean - anything - that he still felt the same, the same as he had at the cabin. But then he knew his older brother. Dean stuck to the rules. It was Sam who'd always been the one who couldn't get that part right.

"Yeah well... both have phones." Dean shrugged like it didn't hurt like a sonovabitch. This was what he'd wanted, exactly what he'd wanted. Both of them to move on. He cleared his throat and looked around, before going to the window and half sitting on the ledge. "Nice little place. Desk and all," he jerked his chin toward the computer on the table piled up with books. "Must feel a little weird... trading your weapons for those." He was looking for a hint, anything that would tell him Sam missed their lives. Might not be great lives, might not be normal, but Godammit, it had been their lives... their family... and it hadn't been thatbad.

Sam looked down at the beer in his hands - Dean had moved on - it was obvious. "Yeah, well...," he shrugged a shoulder, "it's got advantages. Nothing trying to kill me, a home." He looked up through his bangs at his brother, his brother, "Ya know Dean, I didn't call because ... well... I mean I needed to...."

He nodded. "Yeah... I know." He'd been right, Sam needed space. "So... it's good then. How... how're your grades?" That reminded him of the times Sammy used to run home with his report card. Not to show it to dad, but brimming with excitement when he wanted Dean to take a look at it. He'd put it in all sorts of obvious places, just waiting for Dean to find it. Or he'd bounce on his feet when Dean had it in his hands, opening it real slow to tease him.

Sam smiled shyly, took a swig of beer and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Doing good," he looked down at his socks, turning his foot on its side. "I work hard...wanna go into Law." He looked back at Dean, his face was still beautiful; freckles and tan, just a little rougher. The ache in his chest made him look away, fuck, this hurt. "It's just my first year, who knows what will happen. Jess says..." his voice trailed off, God, why was this so difficult? "She uh... says I'll do well." He swallowed. "So- you gonna stay here? I usually sleep with...well, I can stay with Jess. You can have my bed...room, long as you want."

Dean managed to keep his expression neutral, lifting his face to acknowledge he'd heard. Who knew it would be this Goddamned hard to be a brother again? A part of him wanted to say 'thanks for the beer,' and just leave. Drive wherever the road took him. Away from this place where Sam was happy and had found peace. But he'd come all this way to make sure they still had a relationship. Four months of silence, did he really want that again? Cause that's what would happen if he left and it was all weird.

"I was thinking... a day or two," Dean nodded. "I don't want to ... I could stay at a motel." He lifted the bottle to his mouth, taking a long, much needed swig.

"No, no, please," don't go, Sam sprang up, put his beer bottle on the desk and looked around the room. "The bed's clean, I haven't even ... here," he pulled a towel out of the pile of clean clothes on the small sofa, "bathroom's right across the hall. Can I come get you for breakfast in the morning? I'd really like to talk." He pushed his hair off his forehead, chewing on the side of his lip, desperately hoping Dean wasn't going to refuse, brush it all off and disappear again.

"I'd like that too." Meeting Sam half way, Dean took the towel. So he was gonna do this, mend fences, make sure they were good. That was important to him. His family, his brother was important to him, and a little discomfort wasn't going stop him from keeping them together. "Guess I'll get my stuff from the car." At the door, he stopped and turned. "It's really good to see you, Sammy."

 

Sam watched Dean walk away and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms. He couldn’t believe Dean was here. For months he had wanted to see his older brother, but always the memories of touching him, their lips crushed together came flooding back. It was too soon, too raw. Sam knew why they had to make the decision they did. Where could they ever be together? No one would ever understand it was probably the only thing that could be worse than being a hunter; loving someone and having to hide it every moment.

Sighing, Sam grabbed his towel and toothbrush and headed down the hall to Jess’ room. He tapped quietly on the door and walked in. “Jess?”

“Mmm? In bed,Sam.”

He set his things on the desk, grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it off tossing it on the chair. He sat down on the edge of the bed and let out a big sigh, catching his face in his hands.

“Sam, you okay?” Jess rolled to face him.

“I… yeah… I just… it’s been months since I saw Dean. I was really shocked.” He voice felt thin, too small in the room. Dropping his hand, he looked over his shoulder and gave Jess a slight smile.

“What was it?”

“Huh?”

“What put such a wedge between you and Dean? It seems like … you were really close.”

One of the reasons Sam loved Jess was the fact that she was one of the most perceptive people he’s ever met. Right now? That didn’t feel like such a good thing. We were too close.

Sam pursed his lips and blew out a big breath. His mind raced through all the ways he could try to describe things and all the ways that would hurt Jess. “It was… complicated. I really don’t want to talk about it.” It came out little harsher than he meant it to; seeing Dean had left him rattled and high strung. He just wanted to turn out the light and lay there, think. He didn’t want to lie to Jess, their relationship was based on better than that

“Wow. Okay.” Jess sounded hurt.

“Look, I’m sorry Jess, there are just some things I can’t tell you….ever… okay? We might as well get that straight now.” He bit his tongue trying to hold back the words. None of this was Jess’ fault, but damnit, this was all too much to process. The woman he thought he loved and the brother…. fuck.

Jess propped herself up on her elbows. “Ever? What the hell Sam? That’s a bit final isn’t it?”

Sam didn’t say anything just pinched the bridge of his nose and grimaced.

“Not now Jess.” He didn’t mean to raise his voice.

“Sam,” Jess’ voice was cool, “maybe you should spend tonight in your own room, sounds like you have some things to work through.”

His mouth fell open and he turned to look at Jess, “Oh that’s great timing Jess.. don’t…”

“Sam? We’ll talk tomorrow. Go on.”

She was always so freakin’ adult about things. It made Sam’s blood boil sometimes and that was saying something. This wasn't the time for all this, "Fine... night Jess." He got up, grabbed his shirt and towel and left quickly making a point of not slamming the door.

 

He hesitated outside his own room, wondering if Dean was already asleep...he hadn't been gone that long but his older brother had always been able to sleep like a combat soldier - almost on command. He knocked on the door with his knuckle. Waiting with his ear pressed against the door, he heard nothing, cracked the door open and crept in as quietly as he could.

Dean had forced -- literally forced -- his mind to shut down so he could get some sleep. The soft clicking sound brought him awake, and when it was followed by a creaking sound, he had his gun out from under his pillow, was aiming and cocking it, when he recognized his brother's outline. "Sam! Sonova..." putting the safety back on, he let the gun roll forward on his index finger, then put it down. "Gave me a damned heart attack. What's the matter?" The room was dark, the light in the hall was behind Sam so he couldn't see his brother's expression.

Heart thumping in his chest Sam took a deep breath trying to calm down. "Shit... Dean...." Sam would never forget the sound of a gun cocking in the dark. "I'm sorry..." This was turning out to be a stellar evening. "Jess... we had a bit of a ... thing..." he shuffled his feet wondering if he was going to spend the entire night faced with questions he didn't want to answer. "Can I stay here? I can just lie on the floor... I still don't snore!" He tried a half-hearted joke.

"A thing?" For a second, his heart lurched. Then his mind took over. Of course their fight wasn't over him and Sam... cause there was no 'him and Sam'. "You want me to go sleep with her, instead?" Imagining the censure in his brother's face, he wore a shit-eating grin. "Get on the bed... tell me all about it." He made room, hoping to hell that the passage of time had changed some things; made physical nearness easier to bear.

"Cute Dean... no, I don't need your help in that department." Sam stood there for a few moments, thinking; being that close to Dean - it shouldn't be a problem. Not now. Not after so much time. Not now he had Jess. Suddenly feeling a bit drained, he rolled his shoulders and sat down on the edge of the bed, swung his legs up and lay down on his back. He was still pretty pissed. Jess had picked a great time to toss him, really great, not only was it embarrassing to have to slink back to his room and explain to Dean, but it just made him feel like she would never completely 'get' him. He rolled over quickly propping his head up with one hand overcome by the urge to talk. "Dean, do you think I owe it to ... anyone I'm with ... to tell them everything about me? Or do you think secrets are okay?" How quick, how easy it was to fall back into the roles they always played; Dean knew the answers, Sammy had the questions.

Sonova... he was still asking him for dating advice. After everything that had happened. After knowing how they'd gone down a path they never should have. Dean rolled onto his back, that way he wouldn't have to look into Sam's face. "I'm not really an expert on that... being with someone, I mean being with one person long term." And he never would be because the one other person who 'got him'... really got him, and from whom he wouldn't have to hide, just happened to be his brother. "But if that's the rule, then maybe we're all screwed because there's no fucking way we can tell..." He took a deep breath and looked over at Sam. "What does she want to know?"

Sam shrugged then realized Dean probably couldn't see him in the dark room. "She asked... " He cleared his throat, "she said you and I seemed close and wondered why we ... what happened to change things." He sighed and shuffled around a bit getting comfy, but really he moved so that he could press his arm up against Dean's. It was difficult to believe Dean was actually there and Sam wanted a reminder of how 'real' his older brother was. He might be gone again in the morning, but he was there for the moment. "I told her that there were some things I would never tell her. I think that might have been a bad move all things considered." He huffed out a dry laugh.

Feeling Sam press against him, Dean closed his eyes for a moment and listened. 'Close'... funny, but not. "Yeah, bad move," he nodded, opening his eyes. "You should have told her the truth." Turning his head, he spoke slowly, deliberately. "There is no big secret. We were close. You went to college. End of story."

Dean's words hung in the room for a few moments. So... that was Dean's way of letting him know he had moved on. The truth was ... Dean had wiped it away, like it hadn't happened. Sam wished he had learned how to do that because the past few months had been hard, more than hard actually, almost impossible until he'd met Jess. Jess was somewhere to hide, a place where he could try and convince himself that he could move on, move past Dean. Sam closed his eyes. He didn't think he could take much more rejection. There was a lump in his throat and his voice came out thick, tired, "you're probably right. I'll make it right with her tomorrow - she can't stay mad at me for long." He smiled even though it didn't matter in the dark, reached out his fingers and squeezed Dean's arm. "Thanks man, you're probably tired... I can be all emo tomorrow at breakfast if ya like." He rolled over away from Dean burrowing his face into the pillow.

He wished the lights were on. He wished he could tell whether Sam was sad about the past, or about his fight with his girlfriend. He wished he knew why Sam squeezed his arm. Did he know when he touched him like that, memories flooded his mind? Did he know how hard Dean had to fight to prevent himself from touching the same spot, to stop himself from pulling Sam into his arms... to what ... comfort Sam, comfort himself?

"More chick flick moments ahead. Great." Dean licked his lips and rolled over onto his stomach, looking in the opposite direction. "Night Sammy." The simple phrase, 'night Sammy' - it hurt. Who knew he'd miss it so fucking much? Who knew that it came with a sense of peace that seemed to allow him to go to sleep?

Sam listened to Dean breathing for a few minutes then swallowed the lump that was fighting its way into his throat. "Do you ever think about it, Dean?" he whispered.

The sharp intake of Dean's breath broke the silence, but he refused to answer. There was no point in ripping Band-Aids off a wound. None.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean could have gone on sleeping, but the light streaming in from the window didn't let him. He hadn't slept this well in.... well he couldn't remember. Even now, he didn't wanna open his eyes. He just wanted to lay there, blanketed by warmth, hanging onto his brother... Dean's eyes popped open. That thing on him... not a blanket. It was Sam, his body hot as a furnace. His head laying on his chest, face buried in his throat. Dean sucked in a breath. He could feel Sam's mouth at the base of his throat, hot moist breaths skimming over his sensitive skin.

Without thought, he tightened his arms, gut clenching when he realized they were around Sam's waist. He was holding his brother like a lover. He couldn't even blame Sam for this. Sure Sam was on top of him, but hell, it looked like Dean had thrust one of his legs between Sam's, and the other one was hooked over Sam's other leg. Like Dean had wanted to make sure he wasn't going anywhere.

His heart thumped against his chest. He tried desperately not to breath in Sam's scent, not to think about what would happen if he kissed him awake. Just one kiss... only one... a part of him screamed for him to do it. _No._ He shifted, needing to get out of this before Sam woke.

Sam awoke slowly, lazily, feeling warm and safe. He nuzzled closer wanting to slip back into his dream for a few moments...but he could smell something really comforting, warm, spicy and a little musty like leather. Smelled like Dean. His eyes fluttered open and he froze, then he smiled, and nuzzled further into his brother's neck. Somehow in his sleep he had claimed his place, flopped over Dean like he owned him. As usual, Dean had one-upped him and caught his leg with his own. Sam didn't care. He knew once Dean realized he was awake - he'd push him away - but Sam was never beyond using every advantage. Okay, so it probably made him a bad person, but he had missed this so much, and what could it hurt? One morning, a few moments of happiness? He inhaled deeply, committing Dean's scent to memory once again. It felt like home. He brushed his lips softly against Dean's neck.

Oh God, what was Sam doing to him. Oh God.... how had he forgotten how good it felt to have Sam in his arms? How warm and sweet and how fucking right he felt there in his arms, even if it wasn't right? How just one sweep of a soft mouth against him could get his body going, make him hot and needy just like that? Panicked... worried Sam would wake and know, just know what this was doing to him, Dean started to detangle their bodies. First their legs, he needed his back, and fuck the memories that tortured him as their legs slid together. No, he wasn't gonna think about how strong Sam was, how he liked wrapping his legs around Dean, how they moved in tandem.

Sam knew it would happen, knew Dean would pull away - that seemed to be the way it worked. It just... it seemed like Dean was enjoying being this close to Sam. As Dean pulled his leg away Sam twisted his hips a little rubbing against Dean's thigh. He let his hand snake its way up his brother's chest and curl around his neck, keeping him there just a little longer, savoring the last few moments. He couldn't resist the taste of Dean, never could. He was hooked the moment he first tasted that salty sweetness months ago. He drew his tongue along the hot flesh by his lips, pulse speeding up, _why can't I have this?_ "MMmm, Dean." _Fuck_. He snapped his mouth shut.

His heart was beating out of control. His cock ached as Sam rubbed against him. He felt his brother's tongue... knew... knew he should pull away, right now... right this second, before he gave in, before he rolled Sam over and took what he needed. Hell, he should be walking out that door. Then he heard his name and stopped breathing altogether. "Sam? Sammy?" Swallowing, he more forcefully peeled his brother off him and swung his legs off the bed. Twisting around, he searched his too-innocent face. "You awake?"

Sam opened his eyes and arched his eyebrows. "Mornin', Dean." He stretched his arms up over his head and yawned. "Did you sleep well?" He grinned at Dean.

He didn't know the answer... couldn't tell if Sam had been awake, but maybe it was better not to bring it up. That could only lead to bad places. He nodded. "Yeah, slept okay, even if your jolly green giant body took up most of the space." _Octopus body._ "You?" His gaze was unwavering.

The grin slipped off Sam's face. "Best sleep I've had since I left the cabin." He leaned over and grabbed his t-shirt off the desk and slipped it over his head, stuffing his arms through the sleeves. He wasn't going to pretend that it didn't happen. Sometimes, those few days with Dean - waking up in his arms, falling asleep sweat-covered and satiated, that was the only thing that kept Sam going. Running his hand through his unruly hair he shuffled his feet, nervous. "I'm gonna go wake up Jess in a few minutes - shower's across the hall. Meet you back here when you're done? Breakfast?"

Cabin. They'd been to many cabins, before and after. But Dean knew damned well which one Sam was referring to. Dammit, why did he insist on bringing it up? As if it wasn't hard enough to deal with it when they weren't talking about it? It did make him wonder whether Sam was having trouble sleeping too, and if he was... Dean was real sorry. He should have been a better brother. It had been his job to take care of Sam, but he hadn't. He'd sold him out for a few days of heaven.

"Okay," Dean said quietly getting up. He didn't look at him. Didn't ask why they weren't having breakfast alone, why Sam was inviting _her_. Maybe it was for the better, maybe Sam saw it now. Grabbing the towel and a new pair of shorts, he looked out into the hall and then quickly crossed it to get to the bathroom.

As soon as Dean was gone - Sam flopped down on the bed again burying his face in the pillow right where Dean's head had been. He was starting to think that having Dean here was going to be worse than having him a hundred miles away.

"Sam?" Jess's voice drifted in through the partially open door.

He rolled and flopped his head backwards over the side of the bed to peer at her. "Morning." 

"Hey, I'm going for breakfast with Becky, figured you'd want some time with your brother."

Sam blinked at her upside down face and smiled. "Okay...see you tonight maybe?"

Jess nodded and slipped out the door, blowing him a kiss, maybe not _so_ mad at him anymore. Sam folded himself back onto the bed and pulled the blanket up - he just needed to close his eyes for a minute.

Ten minutes later, Dean ran back across the empty hall and entered the room. "You're already ready." It was a good thing that Sam's girlfriend wasn't here yet, not that Dean really cared if anyone saw him in his shorts, but she might... and Sam would probably go girly on him and turn a hundred shades of red. Walking across the room, he hefted his bag and put it on the bed, next to Sam's feet.

Sam opened one eye and peered at Dean. "I gotta put pants on, Jess is out for breakfast with one of our friends." His eyes lingered on Dean's body for a few moments then he rolled over and sat on the edge of the bed rubbing his eyes. "I could stay in bed all day." He pushed up off his thighs and rooted around on the chair for some jeans. Slipping his sweats off he tugged his jeans on leaving them unbuttoned and scrounged around for a clean shirt. It took him a few minutes of tossing clothes around to find a nice t-shirt, something that would show off the muscles he'd been working on since he last saw Dean. He slipped it on, buttoned his jeans and jammed his feet into some boots - 'Okay! Ready!!! Let's go feed ourselves!"

He could help turning, his gaze following Sam as his brother moved around the room with his jeans unbuttoned like that. He felt, more than saw Sam turn and catch him at it, but he just ran a hand over his face and continued to get dressed. "What, you're not wearing flip flops... thought you turned into a California boy, or something." Moving to the bed, he pulled his revolver out from under the pillow, and moved to the closet, putting it up high. He had a smaller one tucked under his belt, at his back.

Sam looked down at his boots and shrugged. "Jess says they make me look..." he blushed. Jess liked him in boots and leather, liked the bare skin between his jeans and the bottom of his t-shirt. Sam wasn't the fumbling kid brother anymore. Being away from Dean and Dad had changed Sam. He was more Sam and less Winchester now; knew what he wanted even if it wasn't available. Sam shook his head. "Never mind my boots - are you hungry or what?"

"Starved." No, just because he was looking at Sam didn't mean _that_ was what he was starving for. He strode out the door, then waited, realizing he had no idea where they were going.

The breakfast place was full of students. Dean sat with his back to the wall, keeping an eye on the door when Sam cleared his throat. Looking into his brothers slightly slanted bottomless hazel eyes, Dean smiled. Child, siren, man... how could Sam be all those things to him, and why couldn't it all be right?

Sam's lips curled into a smile. When the waitress arrived at the table he ordered coffee for them both without waiting for Dean to say anything. He knew what Dean would want. _Knew what Dean wanted._ He leaned back and stretched his legs out under the table careful to rest them on either side of Dean's feet. That's how they'd sat for years, it was second nature. "So - we gonna actually talk or we just gonna dance around everything the entire time you're here?" His head was tilted to the side, brow slightly furrowed; he knew he was forcing a bit, desperately wanting some kind of connection with Dean.

Dean's face jerked up. He'd been thinking of a way to pull his own legs back when Sam hit him with that. "What do you want to talk about, Sam," he asked, his words open, at odds with his tone and posture which were anything but inviting. 

"Anything? I've missed you, missed my brother. Things are different - lives change." Sam brought his legs closer together, catching Dean's ankles between his. "I miss having my big brother around. I'm kind of cut adrift here - you know," he grinned flashing dimples and white teeth, "a lone Winchester." The waitress brought them two steaming cups of black coffee. Sam set about making his marginally tasty, three creamers and three heaping spoonfuls of sugar. "You been seeing anyone?" He stirred his coffee searching Dean's face for some sort of hint as to what he was feeling.

The word 'don't' was at the tip of Dean's tongue, but he merely pulled his legs away. Baby brother had changed. Yeah he always liked to discuss things to death, but he'd never been this direct... this demanding about it. He waited for the waitress to leave, then met Sam's gaze. "You cut yourself adrift Sam, no one pushed you." He hadn't wanted Sam to leave... okay, he hadn't talked him out of it either, but fuck... Sam knew, he had to know how he panicked and worried whenever he didn't know where Sam was, how often he checked on him, how he always came first, even before the chicks... even before the lake happened. "And you already know I fucking missed you, how could I not?" Dropping some sugar in his coffee, he stirred it.

Sam tried to hide the hurt on his face, knowing he'd never been very good at that. Dean had never pulled away from him before. Sam's eyes were burning a little and he blinked a few times. "Dean, I didn't ... I'm sorry. I didn't mean that you made me go - I know that's my fault." _I live with that decision every day_ He looked down at his hands, picking at the side of his fingernail and let his hair fall forward over his eyes."I know you missed me," he muttered, pulling his legs back under his seat. He could feel his bottom lip tremble a little and bit it furiously. There was no way he would let Dean know how hurt he was, how his heart was just about ripped apart by a few words. He cleared his throat and spoke without looking up, he couldn't meet Dean's eyes, "I guess I just wanted us to talk normally, like ... like nothing ever went wrong....you know?"

"Sam..." Dean looked up. He couldn't stand seeing him like this, and Goddamnit, Sam knew it. "Sam... I know, I'm sorry... I know, alright?" He ran his hand over his face. "You didn't do anything wrong. You did the _normal_ thing. You're getting an education... it's good... it's fine. Just... sometimes hard," he said, a muscle throbbing in his jaw. "I ... we miss you," he nodded. "You know how I am before I've had coffee." Lifting the cup, he drained half of the steaming hot liquid, letting the burn focus him so he wouldn't say anything he'd regret. 

Sam nodded keeping his eyes focused on his hands. "I miss you, a lot," he said quietly. "At first, I thought about coming back...finding you and Dad." He looked up searching Dean's jade eyes, "I don't think about it as often anymore, I guess, I got used to being here. But I still miss you...a lot. It's hard Dean... I wish...." he shook his head. "I guess, meeting Jess was good. She's real sweet, pushes me to do well, makes me think for myself, she's real supportive." He took a deep breath, "I needed that when I got here." He fiddled with the menu that lay open in front of him. "So...really...you been seeing anyone?" _Do you still think about us?_

He'd moved on. Good for him. Really good, even if hearing Jess this and Jess that was tearing Dean apart. He pressed his lips together so hard he was sure he'd chased all the blood out of them. "I'm... glad you have Jess, that you found what you need." Saying the words, pushing them out had been one of the hardest things he'd done in his life. "And yeah... sort of. Her name's Karen. She's... something, we should go on a double date sometime." Lies. He didn't know who they were for anymore... to protect Sam, or himself?

"I'm glad you found someone Dean." Sam pressed his lips together, still fiddling with his menu, folding the corner of it back and forth. "I wasn't sure you would... find someone... I mean... I guess because I wasn't sure I would...because I ....." He scratched his cheek, this was just going from bad to worse. "I usually have the special...you want my bacon if I order it?"

"Sam... " He could see he'd flustered him, maybe he hadn't been expecting that... Same as Dean hadn't been expecting Jess. He gripped his brother's wrist, if only to prevent him from wrecking the menu. "You did find someone, you have Jess. Karen's no Jess... but at least I remember her name. I'll have your bacon, I always do," he added, striving for normalcy, for something they both knew and recognized from the past.

Sam closed his eyes for a moment when Dean's fingers wrapped around his wrist, it was such a small point of contact but it felt good, right. That simple touch calmed Sam, just like it always had. "I know, I found ... someone." He stayed very still, hoping Dean would leave his hand where it was for a few moments more. "And, I knew you'd eat my bacon..." he sniffed and his mouth moved into a crooked grin.

After he waved the waitress over, Sam ordered, waited while Dean did the same, watching his brother like a hawk. They were out of sync with each other. He guessed it was possible that too much time had passed without them being side by side every moment. Getting Dean to talk about anything, had always been like pulling teeth. Sam though back, over the years, the best way for him to get things out of Dean had been to just act, do, love. He could be patient. Dean was right across the table from him, which was great, even if that was all he got.

"I'm starving....usually we get up quite early, make something in the room...you know - poor student and all that."

It was only when Sam mentioned he was playing house with Jess, that Dean realized he was still holding onto him. Making a face, he released him. "Fine. Guess I'm paying. Just remember, hustling is hard work." Oh yeah, the hustling and the conning... the things Sam truly hated. He grinned, "gonna lecture me, college boy?"

Sam shook his head quickly, looked up, saw his brother's grin and smiled. "Nah - you're not cut out for honest work...and Dude I've got _some_ money, work part time at a garage down the road from the campus. You think I spent all that time following you around and didn't learn anything?" When Sam had seen the 'help wanted' sign he'd grabbed it out of the window and gone in to tell the owner why he needed him there. It had worked - and Sam had found one small way to stay closer to Dean's world. "Look." He laid his hands flat on the table in front of him. "Check it out - oil and grease under my nails!" Just like Dean's hands so often when Sam had watched him working on the car late into the night, groggy and sleepy, but not wanting to give into it before Dean came inside.

Dean chuckled, for his brother's sake. A lawyer with grease under his nails. Sam might not know it, but he just gave him a glimpse of how far apart their worlds would be by the time he was done here. "It's ah... it suits you. Who knew you were actually paying attention when you sat there yawning or reading a book. Now I'm afraid of what else I mighta taught you without knowing."

Their breakfast arrived, and Dean happily lost himself in the comfort of food. It gave him an excuse not to talk, and he damned well took it. He scooped up egg yolk with a piece of toast, ate it, and then licked the bit of yolk running down his thumb. One thing was for sure, place had decent food.

Dean ate the same way he always had, with a passion that approached the ridiculous, the problem was Sam saw everything differently now. There were some things you couldn't go back from, the thing was - you couldn't _un-_ know what your brother's tongue feels like on your neck and you couldn't _un_ -learn how to notice things like the way his tongue moved over his thumb. Sam shook his head and puffed out a frustrated breath, flipping his bacon on to Dean's plate. He glued his eyes to his plate, moving his food around with his fork. "Hey, some of the guys are getting together tonight...it's," he glanced up, "don't laugh, it's equal-opportunity-porn night. You wanna go with?"

"Seriously?" Okay, porn he could deal with. "Tonight." Did he want to stay another night? Yeah, he didn't care if his heart got ripped ten ways from Sunday, he wanted to hang with Sam a while longer. He had a feeling, no matter what was said or done, it would be a long time before they saw each other again, and the gap between them would only widen into a chasm. Something... something he'd never have believed could happen, only one year ago. Eventually he nodded, "sounds like fun. That mean BYOP?"

For the first time all morning Sam felt a full grin grow onto his face. "See...that's the thing Dean, this may be a little out of your league. We're a co-ed dorm right? So you know - we try to be fair to everyone. So - we'll watch, you know," he glanced around quickly "regular run-of-the-mill porn, then some kind of Lesbian film, then a gay film, sometimes someone brings something special like BDSM." He could feel the grin had reached his eyes, and he wrinkled his nose, starting to laugh. "So - you know - if you can't handle something like that - I get it. It's a pretty forward thinking crowd here." He stuffed some toast into his mouth and chewed happily then licked the peanut butter off his fingers.

"Gay..." he put his arm up as if for protection, eyes half closing. Alright, logically that shouldn't shock him. Hell, for some time now he'd even 'accidentally' landed on gay porn sites on the net, but it was always about... about the boy who was no longer a boy, sitting across from him and laughing his ass off... even if it was internally. "And bondage. Dude, I'm up with that." He licked his lips, "can we start with the lesbo porn?" His gaze focused on peanut butter, but all he saw was cherry jam. His smile fell away.

Sam shuddered with pleasure at the thought of Dean... and bondage.....and choked on a mouthful of toast. Coughing and sputtering, he grabbed his water and washed it down. "Yeah..." he grunted as he coughed once more, wiping his eyes on his sleeve..."I'm sure the guys won't mind watching the Lesbians first."

"So you like girl on girl.." He slapped Sam on the back, and then sat back to finish up, a broad grin on his face. "Little Sammy, all grown up."

Sam licked his lips and smiled brightly at Dean, "Yeah, although I'm bringing the guy on guy video." Dean didn't have to know it belonged to Jess. When his brother started to cough and sputter, he leaned across the table and slapped Dean on the back, then sat back looking smug. "S'gonna be a great night."

The evening was going a lot better than Dean had hoped. He'd thought it might be weird, with Jess there, and then him not being a college boy. But porn seemed to be the unifying factor, and he wasn't bad at fitting in like a chameleon, so it was working out. Even though half the people there, if not more, were under twenty one, including Sam, the beer was flowing. He'd had quite a few and they'd taken the edge off. Now, when he smiled or laughed at something Sam's girlfriend said, he wasn't pretending... not all the way anyway.

The girl on girl action had been hot. He'd caught himself looking over at Sam too often, he told himself it was to see his brother's reactions, and that was all, but he positioned himself in a different place. This way it wasn't so easy to look at his brother and he'd have to make a conscious effort to. A couple of girls were flirting with him, and on auto pilot, Dean flirted back, but his heart wasn't in it. Porn and beer... that's all he was interested in. He didn't turn to look at the third thing that might but shouldn't interest him.

Sam waffled back and forth between feeling happy that Dean was fitting in so well with his friends, finally warming up to Jess and trying hard to overlook the fact that every scene in each movie reminded him in some way, somehow, of something he and Dean had done. He got up to get more beer, taking the opportunity to take a few deep breaths away from Dean's watchful gaze. He had a feeling they were going to spend all their time together doing the 'hunter' thing; watching for the smallest tell.

He grabbed two beers, he knew Jess was well past her limit, she was dozing on the couch already. Instead of returning to his seat, he walked up behind Dean reaching over to hold the beer to his brother's chest.

Zack was rifling through the DVD's on the floor, "Winchester? You bring the Gaaaaaaaaaay video?" 

Everyone laughed, Sam blushed and nodded toward the DVD on the coffee table. "Less beer more thinking Zack!" He took a long draw on his beer and sat down on the couch next to Dean, squeezing in between his brother and Becky. Becky was expending entirely too much attention on Dean for Sam's liking.

He'd just relaxed. Just started an easy conversation with this Bethy chick, then bam... Sam in the middle. Kinda like old times, but not quite. Cause in the old times, he'd just have ruffled Sam's hair and told him to beat it. Now... now just the fact that their thighs were pressing together did things to his insides, things Bethy had tried but failed to. Dean turned his head to look at him. Damn... the sight of his throat convulsing as he swallowed beer almost made Dean sweat.

Dragging his gaze away, he made the mistake of looking at the screen. "It's gay porn..." he said stupidly, watching an older guy jacking off a younger guy. It hit too close to home and had him squirming in his seat.

Sam drank down half his beer, feeling every tiny movement Dean made beside him. The alcohol was warning him from the inside out, Dean, watching the DVD was warming him everywhere. His eyes drifted back to the screen, an older guy fisting the cock of his younger partner. Zack and his buddies were hooting and hollering, laughing, Sam grinned, feeling a flush creep up his neck as he thought of Dean's hand wrapped around him. He let his beer bottle rest on his thigh, relaxing his hand, fingers grazing Dean's arm. He had to be reminded of their time together...had to.

Shit! He was stuck, he was fucking stuck. If he tried to talk to Becky, he'd have to lean over his brother. If he kept looking at the damned screen, he'd keep thinking about Sam. If he got up abruptly, Sam would know. This... this was HELL. He watched a few more minutes, knocking back his beer but finding the bottle empty... dammit, he turned to Sam. "Get me a beer." Shocked at the familiar words that came out of his mouth, he froze, eyes locked with Sam's.

Sam's brow furrowed. "Uh... okay." Sam stared into green eyes for a moment, wondering why Dean had suddenly snapped at him. Maybe he was really into Becky. Leaning forward, Sam pushed up off the couch and went back to the fridge. He leaned down and grabbed a bottle for Dean, some water for himself. He was already confused and frustrated, he figured drunk was probably a really bad idea. He reached over Dean's shoulder holding out yet another bottle for him.

Reaching for the beer, he clapped his hands over Sam's, fingers slipping over long warm fingers and onto the cold bottle. "Thanks." He didn't look up or to the side, toward Sam in the kitchen. _Get me beer._ those were the words that had started everything at the lake. Maybe if he hadn't asked for beer, Sam wouldn't have had any. Maybe he wouldn't have been so damned tempting, or if Dean had been tempted, Sam would have punched him in the eye. So many maybes....

 _Oh God... oh God yes._ The boy on the screen was begging, his hips moving out of control. The older man took pity, kissed down his chest and then licked his dick. The room filled with cheers and catcalls, but Dean wasn't there anymore. Wasn't even seeing the screen. He remembered how Sam shook... he shivered in his hands. His pleas... he hadn't known what to do, what he needed.

Sam cursed himself for picking the DVD that was playing: the problem was that he was all-too-familiar with the begging and pleading that was coming from the big screen TV. He'd made those same noises, he knew that kind of desperation. Just like that, he was back with Dean months ago, clinging to his brother's neck, writhing against him, begging Dean to touch him, hold him, and make him come. _Fuck_ He took a step backwards, thought about just bolting from the living room, he needed a shower anyway.

Downing the rest of his water he moved back to the couch leaning down to speak quietly to Dean. "Dean," the boy on the screen was writhing, losing control, his hips in a shuddering rhythm, "I need to ... uh... " on the screen, hands clawed at a naked chest as the boy begged for release, "take a shower... and go to bed...it's late..." He swayed a little, alcohol, the scent of his brother, who knows...but his lips brushed softly against Dean's ear.

Jesus... Dean's fingers clenched around his own thighs as he nodded. "Go." His voice echoed around him, like from a distance. He wanted to shout 'go now... get away from me... the things I want... the things I'm thinking... go Sammy, or you'll never have that life you want... never, all because of me.'

Sam recoiled a little... _go_. Dean - the king of the one-word command. Sam stepped around the couch and slipped his arms under Jess' sleeping form, effortlessly lifting her up into his arms. He endured the remarks about what a sweetheart he was, the awwws and escaped as quickly as he could. It was a bit of a struggle to get the door to Jess' room open, but once he was through the rest was easy. Setting her down gently, he pulled her sandals off and covered her with her quilt. Brushing her hair back from her forehead he leaned down and kissed her on the cheek then slipped out of the room.

He was relieved to get his clothes off and get under the almost scalding water. His head thudded back against the wall and he let the water run over him until he was calm. It was a good thing Dean didn't come to visit every weekend. Sam turned off the water and wrapped his towel round his waist then slipped across the hall to go grab his sweats.

He'd given Sam a three minute lead, then got the hell away from that TV. He wished he'd walked out earlier, before he had to watch Sam carry his girlfriend out. He'd been so gentle with her, hadn't even tried to wake her. He had to be in love... right? And that was a good thing, he kept telling himself. Let Sam have someone. Let him grow up, let him make a life. That didn't mean Dean wasn't human, and that he didn't feel like something was tearing at his gut, like he'd lost something precious. Irreplaceable.

It was all the fucking beer, that's what he told himself in his room, getting out of his clothes. He didn't even have the lights on, just wanting to crawl into bed as soon as he could. He had his shirt off and was pulling his belt out when the door opened and he found himself face to face with Sam. He put his hand out, to prevent them from bumping. Wet skin slipping past his fingers. Sam's clean fresh scent assaulting his senses. A gasp sounding, reminding him too strongly of the sounds they'd made together. "Sam..." He started to back away, but his hands were reaching out for Sam's hips.

Sam's flesh could feel Dean's heat from feet away. It had been like that a long time; he was tuned into his brother, knew where he is, _felt_ Dean when there were miles between them. And there it was, that _he's-right-here_ feeling that flooded through Sam's body, seconds before he felt his older brother's rough palm slide over his shower damp chest. He couldn't help the puff of air that shot past his lips, there was no room left inside for anything, he was filled up with want. Kicking the door shut behind him, Sam reached blindly for Dean, fingers bumping into hot, bare skin, grasped his brother's shoulders and pulled him close. Lips almost touching their warm breath mingled; Sam should say something, "Dean...just...." _just what?_ "I need..." He stood there, big hands curled over his brother's bare shoulders, scared Dean was going to bolt, stick to the rules, do the _right thing_. The problem was, in Sam's heart and soul, this _was_ the right thing.

 _Need._ That was the whole damned problem. Dean needed. Sam needed. The word echoed in his head, taking over everything else, pushing it out. His brother's lips so fucking close, almost touching his. His own fingers dug into Sam's hips... was he trying to keep him away or draw him close? His mind said one thing, but his body... his gut said another. "Sam... no," he whispered, mouth ghosting over his brother’s, the slight touches sending his hormones into over drive. Why not? If no one knew... why couldn't they just... "Sam..."

Blinking in the dim light from the curtained windows, Sam strained to see his brother's face; wanted some kind of clue as to how to act. Dean's grasp on his hips was so hard, he knew tomorrow there'd be bruises but that was good; at least he would know it had happened.

The right words weren't forming in Sam's mind, "Dean..." he wouldn't say 'no', didn't want to back away. His dark lashes fell to his cheeks, and the sensation of _then_ came back, before, the quiet world they had created at the cabin by the lake. He leaned in and pressed his lips to the corner of Dean's mouth, breath hitching in his chest. "Please...." he murmured against his brother's mouth.

Every nerve in Dean's body was screaming for this... wanting... needing... needing his brother in an unnatural way. Their mouths touched... separated ... touched, it was driving him crazy, out of his mind crazy. "Jesus... Sam... Jes..." He rubbed his lips over his brother's, trying to resist... fighting it... fighting so damned hard. "I..." he dragged Sam up flush against him, knowing his grip was too tight, that he must be hurting Sam... but unable to escape the grip of this mad lust. "Oh God..."

Sam could feel the towel slipping down to his hips as his brother pulled him closer. It was painful, the grip of Dean's strong hands, the ache in his chest and his belly, the blood racing through his veins. He wanted Dean to make it stop, fix it, make the pain go away like he always had. Sam's hands slid down off Dean's shoulders, across his smooth chest; he marveled at how the muscles had changed in the short time they'd been apart. Dean seemed stronger, more solid, _beautiful_. Sam slid his hands over the curve of Dean's lower back, under the loose waistband of his jeans and pushed them down lower on his hips. He buried his face in his older brother's neck, lapping softly, tasting the salt, sweat, biting gently, terrified to do too much or too little. He spoke against the scorching flesh, the only word that kept running through his mind..."Please."

Dean tried, he fucking tried... but the fire smoldering between them was too strong. It couldn't be denied, and _he_ couldn't deny Sam, not when there was so much anguish in his voice. "Forgive me," he said, not knowing if he was talking to Sam, to himself or to some higher power. Then he broke. He claimed Sam's mouth with the eagerness of a man starved for air, crushing their lips together, teeth clinking, his tongue pushing deep inside the wet heat of his brother's mouth, where it didn't belong, but where it felt so fucking right it hurt. He ground his hips against Sam, heat seeping through the wet towel and thin shorts between them. Right now, there was no university, no separation... there was no Jess. It was only him, and his brother, and their absolute, fucked up, need for each other.

His knees buckled the moment Dean's mouth crashed into his and he fell the short distance to the wall dragging Dean with him, over him, on him. Sam gave in to Dean’s kiss without a second thought, sucking on the searing tongue that thrust past his lips. Throwing his arm out to brace himself against the door he groaned as his forearm connected with the unyielding wall. Then Dean’s hips rolled into his and the floor dropped out from under him and he started to slide down the wall, clawing at Dean's chest.

Dean moved his arms around Sam, tightening them possessively, lips still fastened on his brother's as he fell against him, pushing him into the door. Instinctively, he shoved his knee between Sam's legs, pressing hard due to the resistance from the towel stretched across Sam's thigh and which was now started to slip off. Using his knee, he stopped Sam from hitting the floor, but groaned at the feel of his brother's arousal grinding into him.

"Mmnph... oh God," he found himself grinding into Sam, like he didn't know how wrong this was, like he didn't care. "Fuck... Sam..." his hands were hard as he they moved over his brother, rough... and needy. He was drowning in the kiss, drowning in his brother's taste... not so innocent anymore, but sweet, sweeter than anything Dean ever tasted.

Those hands, Sam remembered those hands, the rough, possessive feel of Dean touching him, finding every place on Sam's body that needed to feel the rough skin of those palms.

There was nothing left in Sam's mind, just _Dean_ ; his lean body, soft lips painfully crushed against his own mouth, tongue fucking into his mouth bringing with it all the tastes he’d remembered … wanted for months. Sam tore his lips from him brother’s mouth rubbing, cheek against rough cheek until his lips were a breath away from Dean’s ear. “Don’t….” his breath hitched in his chest ... "don't...." his hips jerked forward riding this brother’s thigh for relief. “Don’t you… fuckin’ stop….”

Sam's long, trembling fingers gripped the short hair at the back of Dean's neck pulling, exposing his older brother's neck and he licked a path down the hot skin, stopping to suck the silken flesh into his mouth. He wanted to mark his older brother, leave his _need_ on Dean’ skin. Feeling the blood draw up into the flesh Sam bit down, then licked away the pain all the while rolling his hips against the hard thigh between his legs. "Mmmmm" his lips hummed against this brother's neck, sounds falling out of his mouth, words half-formed, groans.

Fuck... so hot... Sam got him so hot with need, Dean forgot the promises, the agreements, forgot everything but that the one person who meant everything to him, had always meant everything to him, was in his arms, pleading, giving... taking, and they were in sync. Each time he moved against Sam, his brother answered, thrusting against him, making those damned sexy noises he'd missed so much, leaving trails of scorched skin everywhere his mouth and tongue touched him.

Pushing the towel roughly out of the way, Dean grasped Sam's ass cheek, his fingers creeping between them, sliding up and down, making him think of things he'd only dreamed about, but hadn't done. Being inside Sam, inside his tight hole, so deep, so fucking deep they'd feel like they were one. He knew it was something they'd never do, that he'd never know his brother like that. It didn't stop him from wanting... from needing to crawl inside his brother's skin... from imagining it as he ground harder against him, moving his face to the side as Sam teased his throat.

When Dean’s fingers slid over Sam’s ass he moaned, “fuck… “ His breathing almost stopped, hips stuttering forward. There were some lines that Sam knew he’d never get his brother to cross, not that he didn’t want him to…but that hand right there sent half the blood in Sam’s body rushing straight to his cock… already so hard it ached. He wanted Dean, any way, every way, wanted Dean inside him, filling him up – filling up that emptiness that had been there since they left the cabin.

Sounds broke around them... from him, and from Sam. They pushed and pulled, took a few unsteady steps toward the bed, and then there was a soft knock.

"Sam... are you in there?"

Jessica's voice was like a bucket of freezing cold water. No, even her voice couldn't get rid of Dean's erection that fast. Or Sam's from how his brother was still pulsing against him. Dean's hand slipped over Sam's mouth, silencing his moan. "Just.... just a minute," he managed, grinding his mouth against Sam's throat as he tried to regain control over his body.

Sam’s eyes widened instinct making him struggle against the hand over his mouth. He grabbed his brother’s arm with one desperate hand, hips still moving against Dean’s, breath trapped, other hand clutching his brother’s back, heart thumping. Particularly, unnerving was Sam’s desire to run and stay at the same time. He suddenly found himself gripped by panic. Deep in his head, he was aware of Jess’ voice but Sam knew, if this stopped again, if Dean pulled away and made this the beginning of another end … he wouldn’t survive…something inside him would die.. . He winced at the muffled sound of Dean’s voice as his lips moved over the muscles straining in Sam’s neck. Legs unsteady, he leaned against Dean, not releasing his hold, hazel eyes wide, peering at his brother over his hand. “Not here,” he tried to whisper against his brother’s hand, he shook his head, eyes pleading silently in the dark. 

For three long heart beats, Dean was tempted. Taking a deep breath, he made the decision for both of them. "He'll be right out."

Sam’s hands dropped to his sides like they were filled with lead, a muscle twitched in his jaw, his lips moved past Dean’s ear, their chests still pressed together, “fuck you, Dean.” He was hurt, angry; it hadn’t been Dean’s decision to make. He lurched away from his brother and felt it again, the emptiness.

"Sammy," Dean put his hand out, but touching his brother's arm, dropped it. His chest was still rising and falling, his arms aching to hold Sam, his body still burning, still making it hard to thing, to formulate words. His brother looked hella pissed. Cocking his head, Dean spread his hands and half shrugged, then let them drop, making room for Sam to walk around him. Just what the hell did Sam expect him to do?

And, just like that the ticking had started again in Sam's head; seconds since Dean’s hands were on his body, a minute since his lips had slanted over Sam’s, it would go on again until he lost track and stopped feeling. Snatching up the towel Sam wrapped it around his waist, brushed past Dean and yanked the door open. 

When the door quietly snicked shut, Dean leaned against it, one hand gripping the handle tight. He stood there for a long time, his knuckles whitening with the pressure of his grip. In his mind, he relieved the few moments of heaven he'd found once again, but it always ended the same. The accusation in Sam's eyes, the betrayal. What was he doing to his little brother? What the fuck was he doing?

Sometimes life plotted against you. That's how it was for them the next morning. Dean had gone to the cafeteria to get a coffee, and was trying to think of a way to talk to Sam when his brother appeared with Jess. From Sam's bitch face, it was clear he wasn't forgiven. He was going to ask to speak to Sam alone before he left, but instead Jess grabbed Sam's arm and dragged him to the table. While he and Sam were busy avoiding each others' eyes, Jess sprang some news on them. Sam had taunted others in the dorm about his prowess at football and said that if his brother were here, they'd kick ass. Well now that Dean was here, they'd set up a game.

Great... fucking great. Looking over at Sam and getting no guidance, he nodded and gave a tight "okay." Sam had pretty much done the same then taken off for class.


	3. Chapter 3

Sam’s classes went by in a blur, he was pretty sure that he would have to get notes from his friends so he wasn’t entirely sure why he bothered going. Oh yeah, because Jess cornered Dean at breakfast and practically made him stay another day.

Naturally, Sam spent the better part of the day brooding about Dean. He alternated between swearing to himself that he wasn’t going to see Dean again and wanting to go back to the room and punch him … right before he kissed him again. That was a problem. The day passed without incident; Sam avoided his room like that plague and was glad he had no idea where Dean was. But before he knew it - he was leaving for the game with Jess as she chattered away to Dean. Sam did everything in his power to avoid Dean's eyes. It just fucking hurt too much.

The game was more fun than Dean thought it would be. Only trouble was it was so hot, they'd all taken their shirts off. Keeping his eyes off Sam was his number one problem. Number two was controlling his reactions when they touched, and they touched a lot. That was when their eyes would meet, and he'd see too much in Sam's eyes. He knew Sam could see through him too. It made him strangely quiet, even when they scored, he didn't whoop as loudly as he might.

The girls cheered and did their thing. He tried not to be jealous of Jess. She was a nice girl, really nice. Just like Sam said, someone he needed. But after the game when he saw Sam hook his arm around her shoulders , he had to look away and remind himself to breath. He could do this. Do the barbecue thing, then head out. He could do it.

"Game was good.... told them we'd kick their asses." Sam smiled proudly at Jess, tucking her petite frame under his arm and kissing her temple. He couldn't help stealing a glance at Dean over her blond tresses. Couldn't help wondering if Dean even cared that he was kissing Jess, touching her. He leaned down and whispered, "You're beautiful, Jess," and he meant it, even as his heart ached. Jess smiled up at him with pink tinged cheeks.

Everyone moved back to the blankets the girls had laid out for the food - it was quite a spread. If Sam were speaking to his brother he would have looked over just to see the happiness on Dean's face at the sight of the pie, sandwiches, chips, chicken... all the foods Dean loved. Sam grabbed a cold beer and some cherry pie and pulled Jess down to sit with him. He tugged Jess over his thigh and settled her between his legs, bare chest pressed up against her back. Face buried in her hair he breathed in deeply. So different from Dean, sweet, fruity - shampoo - soap. Nothing like the scent of his brother, the scent that Sam had smelled on his own hands, his chest, his hair when he went to the bathroom after leaving his brother the night before. But Jess didn't run from him, wasn't pushing him away, and didn’t think loving him, touching him was wrong. He clung to her, for all the wrong reasons, but he was adrift.

Dean wasn't looking at Sam, but he was fucking aware of his every move. He knew just when his brother pulled his girlfriend over his lap. Sensed him leaning in... touching. Even knew Sam was sniffing her. Was he trying to make a point? Did he even think there was one to be made? He had feelings... they both did... ones that were off the scale inappropriate. Was that any reason to rub this... what he had with Jess in his face?

Forcing a smile that did not reach his eyes, Dean stood up and went to get a beer. The barrel of drinks was under a tree. He grabbed a bottle, then leaned against the tree, his gaze sliding to his brother. Maybe he was torturing himself. Or maybe he was telling himself this was the way to get used to it, to force himself to watch... to know... to understand, this... Sam and Jess, that's what was right, how it should be.

Sam closed his eyes, listening to the chatter of his friends, focusing on Jess' breathing - her back moving against his chest. He couldn't help comparing her to Dean. It wasn't fair to either of them - but how could he just shut off his mind and his heart? Sam was so accustomed to Dean, so familiar that even when he was trying to ignore him - he sensed his presence. Dean just had to move in the periphery of Sam's vision and his eyes would dart toward his brother. Sam told himself it was just his hunter's instinct and not the fact that his body ached to be over there, pressed up against Dean's. He shook his head, pushed his sweaty hair off his face and ran his hand down Jess' arm; threading his fingers through hers.

Dean's gaze eventually focused on Sam's hand, his long fingers tangling with hers. He knew how they felt, knew how strong his brother's hands were. Knew how rough and gentle he could be at the same time, how he liked to touch his hair. Touch hers... her hair now, he corrected himself. The way Sam's hair fell over his eyes, wet with his perspiration, Dean remembered all the trips to the lake. His fingers tightened around his beer when Sam looked his way. Not at him, through him. A spike of anger ran through him. If they'd been alone, he would have knocked him on his ass for that.

Sam's eyes drifted over their friends, coming to rest on his brother's face. His eyes darted quickly away from the spark of anger he thought he saw and he slid his hand down Jess' bare thigh, fingers massaging her soft skin. He wanted to make this feel right, feel better, feel - like what he felt with Dean. Burying his face in Jess' hair Sam took a shuddering breath. It was too much having Dean there after he had sent him away, too soon, Sam still stung from the betrayal. The Dean he remembered never would have given him up like that. It hurt so fucking much. But Sam was starting to realize that Dean was never going to be able to give him what he wanted. He could beg, plead, fuck he could get down on his knees in front of Dean and it wouldn't happen. Sam blinked away the tears that threatened to fall and kissed Jess' ear. She shivered in his arms and he moved his hand just under the edge of her skirt, slipping his long finger down the silky smooth skin of her inner thigh. He didn't have to see Jess' face to know what she looked like, small pink bow lips parted in a soft "O", eyes dark, lashes fluttering. He knew what she liked, and right now, he needed to feel like he mattered.

It was like he'd been sucker punched and couldn't breathe. It wasn't that he didn't know Sam and Jess would have intimate moments, but it was the realization that Sam's actions were deliberate, calculated to make a point, to hurt. Giving his brother a stony expression, Dean wondered how much more of this he would have to bear.

Sam sighed and shuffled back enough from Jess to grab his plate of pie. On impulse, Sam dragged his finger through the cherry filling and leaned forward again, tucked his head on Jess' shoulder and offered her the red sweetness on his finger. Blushing furiously, Jess' small tongue licked softly at the end of Sam's finger, then shyly, hesitantly she took the end of Sam's finger into her mouth and sucked it clean. Sam knew his cheeks were flushed, Jess was hot, beautiful, and... right there in his arms. He nuzzled into her hair smiling.

Pie. Cherry pie. Sauce. On Sam's finger... offering it to her, just like he had to him. Sonova... Eyes stinging with furious unshed tears, Dean pushed from the tree and dropped the beer into the trash. Without a backwards look, he stalked away from the party, from Sam, from that fucking scene that was indelibly burned into his mind.

When Sam looked up, Dean was gone, his eyes scanned the crowd and he saw Dean's back disappearing across the lawn towards the dorms. He's leaving again.. Sam hugged Jess tight against him, "Jess, I will explain later but I need to go and talk to Dean... I'll call you." The look on her face confirmed that she realized something serious was going on. She nodded and Sam untangled himself from her, said some quick good-byes and jogged after his brother. There was no way Dean was going without hearing what Sam had to say.

By the time Sam burst through the door to his dorm room Dean's was already shoving his few items of clothing in his duffel. "Leaving without saying good-bye, Dean?" Sam was sweating again from the jog over the field, bare chest glistening as it heaved.

"What did you want me to do, Sam?" he rounded on his brother, pushing him up against the door with one hand on his chest. "Just what the fuck was I supposed to do, huh?" He was still seeing red. "I made a mistake... at the lake, but I'm not making it again. You want to fucking punish me for it... fine, consider me punished. Now get the fuck back to your girlfriend and feed her some more cherry jam... at least you're getting it right this time."

"A m mmistake?" Sam's eyes softened, his brow furrowed. "I was ... we were a mistake? Is that really what you think?" Dean's hand was going to burn a hole through his chest; it was killing him to have his brother touching him.

"What the hell else could it be?" His hand slipped off, his heart hurting at the look in Sam's eyes. "Just because it felt right, doesn't mean it was, you know that." Unable to bear the pain ripping his insides out, Dean started to turn away.

"No, no... I won't let you make me think that." Sam shook his head slowly, eyes glassy and wide and he reached out grabbing Dean's shoulder. "Don't turn away from me Dean." Sam swallowed, his throat aching, hands trembling - and he stepped closer to Dean, pressed up against his back. "You tell me, this isn't right, tell me that right fuckin' now and I swear I'll walk out this door and let you go," he spoke softly against his brother's ear. Sliding one hand over his brother's slick skin, his fingers splayed over hard abs as the other hand ran over the smooth old denim of his jeans, fingers curling into Dean's ass. He sucked Dean's ear lobe into his mouth, rolling it between his lips, slowly letting it go, "you tell me," he whispered, "that this doesn't make that hurt in your chest go away... tell me."

He wanted to shove Sam away. To punish him the way he'd deliberately hurt him only moments ago. But Sam was holding him, his hands trembling on his shoulder, their bodies fitting together like they belonged, like they were as inseparable as they'd been until after Sam turned 17 and things got complicated.

Dean shook his head 'no', tried to ignore the strong sensations coursing through him in response to Sam's large hands on him. His hot breaths against his ears, his mouth sucking on his lobe... He tried to ignore the heat sweeping through him, and the affect of his brother's words. The ache in his chest... it ached, it fucking hurt and Sam just made it bleed. Stiffening but leaning back into his touch, Dean gave a tortured answer. "Sam, don't... please don't." He tried to say the words, but they wouldn't come. Not when he ached like this. He turned his face slightly, feeling Sam's warm breath on his mouth. "Damn."

Sam didn't give Dean any more time to think, just leaned closer and pressed his lips to the corner of his brother's mouth almost chastely. "S'okay ...." Sam's huge hand slid over his brother's stomach to his chest and he let his fingers ghost over a nipple till it hardened beneath his touch. "Want you so much," he moaned, lips grazing his brother's ear. He was back in that place where he was surrounded by Dean's scent and his body ached with need and something deeper. As Sam slipped his other hand down the back of his brother jeans, he found it hard to breathe - a band tightened around his chest. Fear, that any second Dean would bolt.

And really? How would Sam ever know if Dean was with him because he wanted to be....or because he was afraid to lose his younger brother. Guilt started to creep into his mind, doubt, like a vine .... suffocating him. His shoulders dropped almost imperceptibly.

Slowly Sam withdrew his hands, standing so still, only his chest moving as he tried to slow his breathing. "Dean, you can go if you don't want this, no foul," his voice broke and he couldn't help shuddering as the tip of his nose brushed against his brother's hair. He summoned every bit of love he had for his brother, for Dean, the man who'd raised him, loved him, made things right his whole life. "I swear.." his voice was so quiet he wasn't sure if he could be heard. "I will always be your brother, I love you." Taking a step back until he ran into the bed, Sam lowered his eyes, fists clenched at his side. "You can go if you need to." When he looked up his lashes were wet, "just please, don't disappear."

It was too late. Sam had touched him too much, made him want too much. And the tears... how was he supposed to ignore them? Disappear? No, he hadn't disappeared. Sammy had been the one to leave. He'd left Dean alone, Dean waiting by the phone, checking his e-mail. Dean wondering how he was doing, and who he talked to when he had to have one of his chick flick moments. "No foul?" He took a few steps forward, and before he knew it, he pushed Sam down onto the bed.

Sam shook his head slowly, lips parted, staring up at his brother's eyes - tears crawling down from the corners of his eyes..

His brother didn't argue, didn't fight him, just lay back, part of his legs hanging off, looking up at him with those eyes that haunted his dreams. Dean placed one knee on the bed, then the other, straddling Sam's and walking up his long body. "What do you call this, Sam. This is a 'foul'. Wanting you, my little brother..." he made a face that reflected his self-loathing, "that's a foul. But you make it so hard," his hand flat on Sam's stomach, slipped upwards, over quivering muscles and flesh, his gaze focusing on Sam's mouth. One thing... I never stopped loving you, not as a brother, not as anything."

The feel of Dean moving up his body, straddling him, ... sent the most amazing sensations through Sam's body. His brother wanted him, Dean wanted him. Sam swallowed the lump growing in his throat, eyes wide and still locked with his brother’s. The look on Dean’s face confirmed everything Sam already knew; his older brother felt responsible for this. Sam lay still, pliant, wanted - waiting. He licked his lips slowly never letting his gaze wander from those green eyes - "I want you."

The floodgates opened. Dean lowered himself over Sam, his mouth landing messily over his brother's. He licked, tasting salt and Sam, and cherry filling. A sob broke out of him, but he buried his tongue inside his brother's mouth to prevent another. Is this what he wanted? Yes Goddamit, yes it's what he wanted... what he needed. Sam, the answer to every fucking question in his life was 'Sam.'

Sam's mouth fell open under his brother's, his lips softened and moved slowly, languidly. He couldn't stop the keening sound he made over Dean's tongue, those hot insistent lips. Grabbing Dean's hand and pulling it down between their hard bodies, Sam pressed both their hands over the hard bulge in his jeans, "what you do ... to me...." he whimpered into his brother's mouth, gasping for breath. The fingers of Sam's other hand moved of their own accord through Dean's short hair, pulling him harder onto his mouth.

Heat spiraled low in Dean's belly, his need skyrocketing when Sam pressed his hand over the evidence of Sam's desire. Fingers semi intertwined with his brother's, he squeezed him through his pants, groaning as Sam fucked up into his palm. He moved against his brother, rubbing his own hard cock into his hip. "What you do... to me." He kissed him with a voracious hunger, "what you do to me, Sammy." Make me forget myself. My promises to dad to keep you safe. Everything I know about right and wrong... make me forget it all... its what you do to me.

Desperation washed over Sam. He couldn't get close enough, couldn't catch his breath. Writhing under his brother, Sam freed his fingers from Dean's hand forcing his tongue past those beautiful full lips. Their hips fell into a familiar rhythm, together. Moving suddenly Sam planted his hands on Dean's chest, pushing off from the bed and flipping his older brother onto his back. He slid a long leg over his brother's thighs, teasing, sliding his entire body over Dean’s until he was straddling his brother. He leaned down over Dean, mess of brown hair flopping forward, hazel eyes fixed on green.

Like reading each others' minds... one press of Sam's hands, and he'd known what Sam wanted, repositioning smoothly and looking up at his brother leaning over him. Just a little closer, and Sam's hair would brush his own forehead, their lips would touch again. God, how could he want someone this badly?" He lifted his arms, sliding his palms up and down Sam's sides, gaze locked with his brother's desire filled eyes, waiting to see what he needed.

Running his hands over Dean’s chest, bit by bit, inch of tanned glistening chest by inch, Sam’s lips parted into a shy smile. “Beautiful,” he whispered leaning down to kiss his brother’s bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth. Dean’s lips - fuck, Sam lived with the memory of those soft full lips wrapped around his cock – he moaned as the images flashed through his mind. No way is this wrong. Desire rattled him for a moment, shocked his system and his arms shook so badly he let himself fall forward onto Dean. "Fuck," he moaned into his brother's neck, "so right, Dean, so fuckin; right".

Hands automatically moving over Sam's ass, Dean pulled him closer, lifting his own hips, moaning his brother's name. But even with the darts of fire dancing across his skin, tightening every muscle low in his belly, making him hard and needy for his brother, Dean refused to agree out loud. But there was nothing he could do about the fact that his body betrayed him, or that his heart and soul were traitors, or that he was weak and allowed his desires to override his sanity.

Sam’s heart lurched in his chest when Dean’s hands slid over his ass; he ground his hips against the hard line in his brother’s jeans, gasped into his shoulder. Waves of desire washed over him leaving him shuddering against his brother’s firm body. Struggling to push himself up, Sam found Dean's eyes momentarily - dazed by the yearning he found there.

Swamped by hunger and need, Dean almost growled as he found his brother's mouth with his, kissing him with a frenzy he'd never experienced, like he knew this wouldn't be enough, never enough... never. Like he knew that this terrible, out of control need would always be with him, that any release would be temporary. "Oh God, baby," he rolled them over, pressing his body aggressively into his brother's, his hand slipping between them and working Sam's button. "Fucking need you."

Those words, words Sam wanted to hear from Dean sent shockwaves down his body, straight to his hips. Dean’s mouth was hot, wet, all over him; there was an urgency in Dean that Sam had never experienced before. He couldn’t stop himself from writhing under the force of his brothers movements. He wanted this so badly, wanted Dean to just take what he wanted.

Lifting up, he pulled Sam's zipper down, then broke the kiss. On all fours, he started to worship Sam's body, feathering open mouthed kisses down his throat, sucking on his skin, nipping as if to tell him Sam belonged to him. Moving lower, he tongued Sam's flat nipple, sucking on it, teasing it, and then moving to the other. By the time he reached Sam's belly, the blood was pounding at his temples, roaring in his ears. This was crazy... but real, and his world had just narrowed to the two of them again, just like back then.

There wasn’t a part of Sam’s body that didn’t come alive under his brother’s touch. His skin ached to feel lips, teeth, hands, anything; his hands ghosted over Dean’s back, slid into the pockets of his jeans, fingers curving over his muscles. His head rolled back as he arched up into Dean’s mouth, hands running up his back, over his hair resting on his brother's strong neck. He wanted to feel all of him. As Sam’s hips rolled up, soft moans escaped his lips and his eyelids fluttered closed. “Want you…” he murmured head rolling to the side. Somehow his hands found the button on Dean's pants...."off..." he growled, eyes blazing as they popped open, "wanna feel all of you".

A firestorm raging through him, Dean somehow managed to understand. "Ditto," he said thickly. Rolling off Sam, he stepped onto the floor, grabbed Sam's jeans and pulled them off in a single motion. He left on the shorts which were askew, giving Sam only partial cover that emphasized his cock straining to break free.

Sam couldn't help the smile that crept onto his lips; his glassy eyes followed Dean but his hands slid down his own sides and slipped under his shorts pushing them down. Lifting his hips Sam pulled the material tight over his hard shaft, watching his brother’s face, teasing him. He rolled his hips once, twice, ran his tongue over his lips then pushed the shorts down slowly. Sam sat up and pushed them down far enough to kick them off.

The sight had Dean unable to speak, as he made short work of the remainder of his clothes, then got on the bed, lying between Sam's legs. Hooking his arms under Sam's powerful thighs, he pulled him close and started to kiss him, tongue, mouth and teeth working in tandem as he worked them along Sam's inner thighs, close to the juncture of his legs, his face brushing over Sam's cock with his movements.

The vision of Dean's body, slick, naked, here was still swimming in Sam's mind as Dean settled between his legs. The breath left his body in one long sigh as he was shifted closer to his brother. When Dean’s mouth found its way to his inner thigh Sam nearly jolted off the bed. Slamming his hands down onto the quilt he grabbed up fistfuls of it, trying to fight against the urge to buck his hips up towards his brother, seek out the sweet torture of his mouth. Craning his neck he looked down to see his own swollen cock curved over his stomach, twitching in time to the movements of Dean’s sucking and kissing. His head thumped back down onto the pillow, “Dean…”

Tightening his grip on Sam's thighs so he couldn't buck up too high, Dean moved slightly, sucking on the spot right behind Sam's balls, then up the seam of his sac as he lifted his head all the way up and looked at his brother. "Hmm? What is it?" He licked his lips, making sure his breath ghosted over his brother as he teased. This ... payback for the cherry filling ... would be a bitch.

“Dean..” fuck Sam couldn’t even think, couldn’t get past Dean’s lips, Dean’s tongue; he struggled against Dean’s grip loving the feel of his brother’s breath on the hyper-sensitive skin of Sam’s hardness. “Dean…” his head rolled from side to side… “Please”. Please what....what the hell did he want? Everything... that memory flooded over him again, the feel of Dean's fevered mouth on his cock, his slick tongue, the slight graze of teeth. He wanted it again.

"Please, what Sammy? Hmm?" Dipping his head down, he sucked some of the flesh at Sam's inner thigh into his mouth, sucking hard enough to leave a mark... his mark, before meeting his gorgeous eyes again. His brother's face was so flushed, it was like he'd already been fucked.

Tearing his hands away from the quilt Sam reached for Dean's head, fingers brushing over his brother's cheeks. Leaning up he looked down at Dean's face, seeing the challenge there...and underneath that challenge naked want... desire. "Want you to ..." Sam could feel the glow of blush racing up his neck and face.... his tongue darted out over his lips finding them swollen then leaving them wet, "your mouth." His head fell back onto the bed.

"My mouth," Dean nodded reassuringly, fighting his own desires to give Sam exactly what his brother wanted. "Okay Sammy, I'll give you my mouth... it's yours," he said, grasping Sam's cock and kissing its tip, wetting his mouth and then moving Sam's tip back and forth over his lips. "All yours," he repeated thickly, moving up to compensate for Sam's attempt to push himself inside. "Know what I think? I think you want to be kissed, is that what you want my mouth for?" he asked, then proceeded to kiss every inch of Sam's cock, so hard, so fucking thick, he knew Sam had to be aching for it. Hell, he was aching for it himself.

"Jesusss...." Sam hissed, shoulders pushing his upper body up off the bed. He was lost somewhere under those kisses, each touch of his brother's lips leaving him shivering, sweat beaded on his forehead. Sam bit down hard on his bottom lip and tasted blood. "Fuck Dean!" He struggled in his brother's grasp, muscles straining against the strong grip of his brother fingers on his thighs. "Just...please..." falling back into the mattress, muscles tensing and releasing, fingers tearing the quilt up off the bed.

Sam's struggles, his uncharacteristic inability to string words together, sent Dean's body temperature way up. "Am I doing it wrong? Sorry, I'll get it right," he promised, lifting Sam's cock higher and pulsing his tongue right behind it. Opening his mouth, he started to slip it up and down Sam's shaft, humming, blowing hot air, letting him get a taste of the moisture in his mouth whenever he flicked him with his tongue. "This what you meant? Tell me, Sammy, or we could be at this all night."

"De...Dean..." Sam's hips twisted trying to push against his brother's tongue, so wet and warm. Lifting his trembling hands off the bed Sam pushed himself up onto his elbows, abs clenching, head thrown back. A few more touches of that tongue and Sam's mouth fell open as his head snapped forward looking down at Dean..."please... suck me, want your mouth all the way on me.... like...before," a shudder went down his entire body, his hips pushing Dean a few inches up off the bed. "Please..." he could barely focus his eyes - begging Dean with his gaze.

The 'I win died on Dean's lips as his brother's expression, his lust blown pupils and breathy voice had lust slamming full force into Dean. Stubborn to a fault, he crawled up Sam's body, sucked on his wet lower lip, making him think he was going to tease some more. He might have, but he couldn't. His own body wouldn't allow him to. He found himself suddenly kissing Sam hard, trapping his brother's cock between their bodies, moving against it to keep him stimulated.

Sam's heart was in his mouth - Dean wasn't really going to keep torturing him? Then Dean's mouth crashed into his again wiping all the thoughts from his mind - and the pressure, the friction of Dean's hard body against his throbbing shaft, the feel of Dean's hard cock - was enough to choke all the words off in his throat. The kiss, the taste of his brother, lips, became the focal point of Sam's universe.

When he broke the kiss, Dean was breathless, and his mouth burned. "Cherry sauce on you ... only for me, Sam." He wasn't kidding, and the edge to his voice was real.

Gazing up into his brother's lust-darkened eyes, hearing the subtle power in Dean's tone Sam hesitated only a moment , "only you...." he nodded, teeth clamping down on his bottom lip.

Settling back down between Sam's legs, Dean grasped his cock, this time licking off the liquid leaking from Sam's tip. He opened his mouth and sucked his crown inside his mouth, moaning with pleasure as memories assaulted his mind. How many times had they brought each other off at the lake? How many times had they begged each other for more, loved each other harder? Wanting to hear those sounds that his Sam would make, he opened his mouth wider and took as much of him as possible, letting him bottom out at the back of his throat. He started to move his head up and down, tightening and releasing his lips in a frustrating slip side motion that was sure to get to his brother.

Relief flooded over Sam’s body as he slid deep into Dean’s mouth; he felt it with every part of his being. Dean's lips and mouth were so hot, made him so hard, Sam couldn't stop his hips from moving, fucking up into his brother's mouth as far as he was able to move. Sam was hissing, moaning, whimpering, sounds came out of his mouth that he'd never heard himself make and he didn''t care; couldn't care. He knew he wouldn't last long - felt the warmth pooling in his belly - his breaths came in pants and gasps between all the sounds that fell from his lips.

Twisting his wrist at the base of Sam's cock, Dean let him ride his mouth at Sam's increasing pace. His brother was thrusting up into his mouth so hard, Dean had to be careful not to choke. He sucked harder, his cheeks hollowing out as he gave Sam everything he had. But when he felt Sam start to shake, he pulled mouth off, licking him once, wondering how long Sam's taste would linger as a reminder of what they'd done.

Trembling, feeling his orgasm so close and snatched away Sam arched up off the bed, chasing his brother’s amazing mouth. “Dean,” he whispered, hair plastered to his cheeks and forehead. Sam’s eyes moved over Dean’s chest to his face; his hands curled into fists - fuck he wanted to touch Dean.

His gaze moved over Sam, his face, his parted lips... taking in how his chest rose and fell, his abs tightening with the strain of breathing. His cock, still hard, and leaking. When he couldn't stand looking and not touching for one instant longer, Dean blanketed Sam with his body, inserting one knee between Sam's legs, and hooking one leg outside of Sam's other leg, so that they could each easily get off.

Perfect. the only word that crashed around in Sam's brain. Finally Dean's body was close enough to touch, his hands moved quickly; curling over Dean's ass, fingers dipping into the smooth crack. His teeth slid along the top of his brother's shoulder, the taste of Dean all over Sam's tongue. He bit down hard, almost breaking the skin - he wanted to make sure Dean felt it tomorrow, a day from now, a week from now.

"Oh God, Sam," he kissed him lightly as he started to fuck into his leg. A little harder, then a little harder. "Come on, come on little brother, let's get there together," he said, intending to make it last as long as he could.

Without a second thought Sam pulled Dean towards him, picking up Dean's rhythm, grinding up into his brother's thigh. He wanted more, wanted Dean all over him, inside him, filling up that emptiness. "Want you ..." he panted and brought his lips up to Dean's ear riding their thrusts "to cum so hard, Dean."

"No problem." That wasn't showing off. That was the result of lust riding him like a bitch for days. He started to thrust against Sam with abandon, crashing his mouth down over his brother's, kissing and fucking at a fevered pitch. "That's it Sam, that's it," he crooned, feeling Sam's thighs tighten around his own. "Almost there."

Tongues sliding together, lips crushing, hips moving almost as one, Sam gasped - he wanted everything. "Want you inside me..." his hands clutched at Dean's back, "fuck me, Dean..." his voice trailed off as he panted through the hunger burning a hole through his chest, "please," he whispered into his brother's mouth.

Shock stilled Dean's movements as he processed his brother's request. Something he'd dreamed about, even had a fucking wet dream over. But it was a line he would never cross, he was never fucking his brother up the ass... there'd be no going back from that, no way to explain it away, no way to even call it experimentation. He started fucking again, felt Sam's hot breath... knew, just knew in his gut that Sam wasn't gonna let it go.

Sam squirmed beneath Dean's heat, glad his brother was fucking against him once more - his heart had nearly stopped when Dean's movements stopped. He wanted his brother - but didn't want to lose this...scare Dean off...want too much from him... "Dean?"

Dean put his hand up over Sam's jaw, his ring finger and pinky sliding over Sam's mouth. "Shut up, Sammy." Closing his eyes, he started to thrust again, this time concentrating, working toward reaching his goal. He moved his leg against Sam's arousal too, still wanting them to come together. Though he tried to close his mind to his brother's words, they rang in his ears, in his soul. And as he fucked against him, inside him mind, Dean was in his brother, sheathed in his heat, a part of him, like an unending circle, like Sam thought it was meant to be.

Sam sucked his brother's fingers into his mouth, kissing, licking, biting them - thrusting his hard cock against his brother’s leg, desperate for release. Sam raised a palm to his brother's cheek, resting it there, fingers stroking his face. Mine. His free hand snaked over Dean's waist, tightening his hold on him, forcing their hips closer together. Sam felt everything fall away but Dean, only Dean. With each upward thrust of his hips his cock was rubbed almost painfully against his brother's thigh, the most pleasurable pain. My brother, my love - words he was too terrified to speak aloud. He moaned long and low into Dean's mouth, thrusting his tongue against his brothers. "Come with me... Dean..." his words disappeared into his brother’s kiss. The rest was an incoherent mash of sounds and groans as Sam felt his balls draw up, his skin thrill with the touch of his brothers, his chest ache. He felt his brother nearing the same end.

At Sam's words, a primitive urge took over Dean's body, and he thrust helplessly against his brother. Words broke from him, but they were unintelligible he hoped. Yes he loved his brother, yes he'd do anything for him, and yes... maybe he loved him like that, but it wasn't something he could acknowledge. "Right here Sammy, right here with you," he answered. "Coming..." he said with a harsher edge to his voice as his back stiffened, the pressure that had built low in his belly exploding as he found his release, his timing perfectly in sync with his brother's.

Thick ropes of cum shot between them, the slippery sensation etched into Sam's memory ... from the summer. Stronger now, they were crushed against each other, cocks throbbing and twitching against each other; hearts thumping into their rib cages. Sam's movements became erratic as his orgasm washed over him in waves; his hands running over Dean's body as though he never wanted to forget the feel.

They were hot, and wet, and slick against each other. It was a long time before waves of calm started to push away the remnants of the storm that had raged between them. Dean kissed Sam, then licked his throat, nuzzling against him. He'd missed this, missed the absolute peace he'd find in his brother's arms after they made love. He rolled onto his back, taking Sam with him, enjoying his brother's weight pressing down into him. His heart slammed against his chest and he was sure Sam could feel each beat the way he felt Sam's. "Touchdown." He closed his eyes against the impossible heat in Sam's eyes. He'd burned up once tonight already.

Sam sighed and pushed his sweat dampened hair out of his eyes, a smile on his swollen lips. He shifted his body a little, sliding off to the side of his brother's chest but keeping one leg thrown possessively over Dean's thighs. Face pressed up against Dean's neck, Sam laid a path of light touches with his lips, tongue lapping at the hot sensitive flesh. He slid his hand across his brother's chest, rubbing gently - leaving his palm over the heart thumping away beneath. "I did want it...do want it ...." he whispered. "Whenever you finally believe you deserve it, Dean." Nuzzling closer, he breathed in the scent of his brother, the scent of them together, mingled, one.

Typical, Sam wanted to talk. Even more typical, his words tied Dean up on the inside. He wanted the picture Sam painted, and at the same time didn't want it. How much more fucked up could it get? But he wasn't gonna get worked up about it, not now. He didn't have the energy, and with Sam like this, in his arms, touching, breathing each other in, he didn't want to. Practically purring at his brother's light touches, he stroked Sam too. "Go to sleep, Sam." He smiled against Sam's skin, knowing full well his brother got extraordinarily sleepy after sex.

It was easy to let go, drift off to sleep with Dean right there. Right here, this ...was safe ... was home. A final kiss on Dean's neck, soft rub of the tip of his nose, and he was drifting off to sleep.

* * *

At some point after Sam had fallen asleep, Dean had had some sense to get up and lock the door to the room. Hours later, he'd awakened to the sound of the knob turning, but the person had not knocked and had left. He was certain it had to be Jessica, and that thought had him pulling Sam just a little closer. In the morning, he'd heard Jess knock on the door, and was awake when Sam answered her, telling her he'd be right there. He didn't open his eyes, not even when Sam kissed him. His mind was a riot of confusion, and he didn't want to talk to Sam before getting some java inside him. His brother had an early class and had slipped quietly out of the room.

After Sam left, Dean got up and showered and dressed. He found his way to the cafeteria and started on breakfast, when Jess found and joined him. A pang of guilt had him avoiding her eyes, and wondering how Sam did it... see her, talk to her, probably even kissed her, this morning. He smiled, did his best to act normal, until she started to get personal.

She had questions for him, about what had gone on between him and Sam. He had no trouble cutting her off. He was used to that, shutting people down when they got too nosy. Thing of it was, the hurt in her eyes made him feel bad. He liked her. He didn't want to, but he did like her. There couldn't have been a worse triangle... triangle, oh God, what was he thinking?

He was taking a sip of his coffee when she spoke again.

"He missed you a lot, you know. Sam. He talks about you all the time. It's all about 'if my brother were here...'" She played with a piece of toast, tearing it to bits. "I... I know both of you think it's not any of my business, but I do want you to be there... be here for him. And it is my business because who knows... one day... you know, we might have kids. We both want them, both want exactly two... karma, huh?"

The mug fell from his hand, hot coffee splattering over his hand. His eyes searched hers, and he only saw truth in them. Truth and love for his brother.

She passed him napkin, and smiled.

The smile ripped a hole in his heart. "He ah... wants two kids. House, picket fence..."

"Whole nine yards," she agreed.

A lump rose in his throat. "That's... that's Sammy for you."

"Yeah... I better go, I'll see you later," she said, picking her books up and walking away. She turned before she exited and gave him a broad smile, waving.

He didn't even see her, looked right through her.

Ten minutes later, he was on the road, his music blaring, his throat raw from singing out load, trying to exorcise the demons that kept trying to take hold. He had always known what was best for Sam, he just hadn't done what was best. He hoped it wasn't too late to start now. It had been one helluva long fall off the wagon, but it wasn't gonna happen again. Not ever.

* * *

Sam's backpack slipped from his fingers just inside the door of his room. Locking the door he turned to face the room. He already knew Dean was gone; his body knew, his heart knew as he walked up the hall. His brain was just slow to catch up. He toed off his shoes, shrugged off his jacket and sat on the edge of the bed with the heels of his hands pressing into his eyes. Dean. He supposed it was his turn to be left, time for him be lost and cut loose. Sam crawled into the tangled mess of sheets, the outlines of their bodies still there. Something inside of him shut down as he burrowed into the scent of his brother on the sheets. The smell would be gone so soon. He curled in on himself, ignoring the knocking on his door and the tears on his face.

THE END


End file.
